After seeing this listicle on Women’s Health and understanding none of it, I thought I’d remix “16 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re A Runner”….for beginners.

1. You are no longer fazed by getting lapped by everyone at the park, including elderly dogs and small children.

2. The only gadget you own is the free version of MapMyRun, and occasionally feel like you’re being taunted when it says “TIME: 15 MINUTES. DISTANCE: 1 MILE.”

3. You dream of breaking an 11-minute mile.

4. “I definitely have been running for at least 20 minutes.” *Looks at watch* “Oh cool, it’s been 45 seconds.”

5. Being out of breath is your new comfort zone.

6. You have a recurring nightmare of being last to finish the 5k you’re aiming for.

7. When an acquaintance invites you to run with them and you don’t know how fast they are…..

8. You cannot begin to fathom how you could possibly run so much you lose a toenail.

9. You are still chasing the illusive fantasy of “runner’s high.”

10. You click on an article about “short runs,” only to realize they are still talking about a longer distance than you can even imagine walking.

11. Walk/run game STRONG.

12. You have discovered the wonders of not wearing any underwear with your running shorts…and never run long enough to encounter a reason not to (is pooping your pants REALLY that big of an issue??)

13. You’ve learned a new definition for “dirty” laundry. #whyiseverythingsowet

14. Your top speed is considered the warm-up “jog” at the running clinic you attend.

15. You can’t touch your toes…but dream of one day doing so.

16. And last but not least…you don’t understand half of the things serious runners talk about.